Oh, the Horror
by MnemeMemory
Summary: This is the fiasco that is an attempt to Sort Kim Diehl and Jacqueline O. Lantern Dupré.
1. Chapter 1

**Oh, The Horror**

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Harry Potter, nor Soul Eater

Ah – alright, warnings: um…death threats? That's about it, I think.

Okay: this is just a stupid little offshoot from me main story, This Isn't Going to End Well (this'll probably make a _lot_ more sense if you read _that_). This is the fiasco that is an attempt to Sort Kim and Jackie: Enjoy!

…

Kim stared at the Hat suspiciously.

The Hat stared right back.

Behind the raccoon-dog Witch, her Demon Weapon, Jackie, shifted uncomfortably.

It was Dumbledore who finally broke the awkward silence.

"Well, Miss Diehl?" he said. "Are you going to put on the Sorting Hat, or not?" Unspoken: _Get on with it_.

"Just a minute, just a minute," Kim said irritably, not breaking eye contact with the Hat. "I'm trying to figure out if it's going to blow up my head when I put it on."

"I assure you, Miss Diehl, that the Sorting Hat would do no such thing…"

"It's always the safe-seeming things that are the most dangerous," Kim said sagely. She paused. "And clowns. Clowns are just…no." she shuddered violently, and then went back to staring at the Hat.

Both girls had been transferred to the Burrow, home of the Weasley's, on account of Harry Potter staying in the same house. Apparently, he had been supposed to go to his Godfather's, but a last-minute change of plans (coupled with both girl's unexpected appearance) had forced the Order to adapt to the situation.

At the moment, Kim Diehl and her partner, Jaqueline O. Lantern Dupre, were being Sorted.

Kim was adamant that such a procedure wasn't necessary. She didn't exactly _want_ some somehow-sentient being poking around her memories, sticking a label on her and then retaining that information for the rest of its period of sentiency.

She was Spartoi. She had secrets – some that she would die for.

So, _no_, she wasn't going to put on the damn Hat!

But Dumbledore insisted.

"Look," she said – _again_. "I'm not going to do this. I don't want to. I'm _certainly_ not letting Jackie go through that. Now, do you want our help or not?"

"Your help wasn't requested," Dumbledore said.

"No, I'm sure it wasn't." Kim snapped. "This is the reason why I hate being around Witches," she added as an aside to Jackie. "They're so _meddlesome_." A pause. "I find it ironic that they're _willingly_ trying to stop a war on this side of the world, while they couldn't give two figs about the Keishin destroying the earth. Maybe Kid's been a good influence on them."

"If Kid had his way, the whole world would be symmetrical," Jackie pointed out.

"He's gotten…better…sort of…" Kim said weakly.

"_Girls_!" Dumbledore said. "Concentrate! Miss Diehl, would you _please_ put on the Hat?"

"No." Kim said sulkily. "I don't like it. It's looking at me funny."

"You were looking at it funny, first," Jackie pointed out.

"It was staring at me!"

"No it wasn't!"

"Girls!"

"Oh, shut it!" Kim snapped. "I'm not putting the damn Hat on. It's ugly, smelly, and it looks like it was made from a patchwork-quilt reject shop. It could give me nits."

Behind her meister, Jackie smirked.

"Now, for goodness sake, _Miss Diehl_, we need to Sort you! Otherwise, I can't allow you into my school!"

"So it's – what – a security check?"

"If it would help to think of it that way, than yes, it's a security check."

Kim's eyes hardened, and the grabbed Jackie's hand. "If that thing comes near me or my partner, I'll torch it." She said. "I don't know who you think you are, but if you don't trust the DWMA, I don't want anything to do with you."

Dumbledore looked mildly alarmed. "I don't understand why this is such a difficult thing for you to do." He said gently.

"You're kidding, right?" Kim laughed, moving back so that she stood just in front of Jackie. "This is _mental magic_. I don't trust it. How are we supposed to know that it hasn't been affected by the Madness? Things like that _thing_" – she pointed to the Hat with her free hand – "Retain the Keishin's wavelength pretty well. It's the magic in it. So, _no_, I don't trust anything that could have been affected by the Madness Wavelength. Now without Maka," she amended.

"I assure you, the Sorting Hat is _completely_ safe…" Dumbledore said, a hint of warning in his voice.

"Not good enough!" Kim said shrilly.

Jackie suppressed a snort. All of Kim's points were valid – but that wasn't the reason that she was arguing so hard.

If Dumbledore wouldn't let them go to the school – well, there was really nothing they could do about that. They would have _no choice_ but to return to active duty as members of the Spartoi, and students of the DWMA.

Unfortunate, that would be. Really.

So, despite Kim's outwardly outraged appearance, inside she could barely keep from giggling like Angela on sugar.

"The Sorting Hat is perfectly safe!"

"I don't think that it is!"

Dumbledore looked two-seconds from throwing a jinx at the racoon-dog Witch (which wasn't an uncommon reaction to Kim's presence), while Kim looked two-seconds from wearing a triumphant grin.

Both actions would not go over well with the other person, Jackie knew. She was going to have to do something to defuse the situation.

Fast.

"Um…" Problem was, she couldn't think of anything to suggest.

Both of them turned their attention over to her, and Jackie swallowed loudly in panic. Okay…so they weren't fighting any more.

What now?

"Could you just…lie?" Jackie asked tentatively, and then could have slapped herself. Oh, Death, Kim was going to be _so mad_ at her.

Predictably, Kim's hand squeezed down on hers warningly.

"Lie?" Dumbledore paused.

"Nothing!" Jackie almost wailed. "I said nothing!" she tried taking a step back, but Kim was holding onto her hand like a vice, and she couldn't move without ripping her hand off her wrist. "Can I go, please?"

"Hold on a second, Ms. Dupre," Dumbledore sounded like he was actually considering it.

_No, no, no…_

"Oh, just put me on!"

Jackie's eyes widened, and instinctively she transformed into her Lamp form. Kim expertly balanced her, not at all startled by the sudden change from human to Weapon – in fact, it helped her concentrate, forcing her muscles to move in the familiar patterns so that she wouldn't drop Jackie.

"Kim!" Jackie hissed, staring at her Meister from her shiny-metal surface. "It _talks_!"

They had known, in an abstract way, that it was alive.

They hadn't realised that it could actually _speak_.

"Honestly," the Hat sniffed – well, sort of. It looked like the mass of leather and material had somehow inhaled and expanded, which wasn't exactly an attractive image. "Young people there days – _no_ respect, Headmaster, none at all! If it were up to me…"

"You wouldn't have any more transfers*. Yes, I understand, Hat," Dumbledore said. "But these two girls are different. They were sent here by the Council of Witches – beings that are even more powerful than I."

The Hat paused, opening and closing its switched-in mouth like it was thinking hard. "Now _that_ is very interesting," it said. "Very interesting indeed."

"It doesn't look mad," Jackie pointed out quietly from her Lantern.

"They never do," Kim muttered back. "Remember Justin?"

"Um…I'd rather not."

"I can hear you!" the Hat snapped. "Now hurry up and let me Sort you! I _assure_ you, I am neither mad nor invasive! A simple scan of your mind for your personality, and I will announce your House, and you are _done_."

"No." Kim said stubbornly. In her hands, Jackie's lamp form vibrated with intensity.

"It is non-invasive, safe and fast. Really, young lady, I don't understand why you're holding back."

"I only have _your_ insistence that this won't strip my mind and leave me a mindless zombie!" Kim snapped.

Dumbledore's eyes hardened. "Are you questioning my credibility?"

"YES!"

Dumbledore looked fairly shocked. Jackie didn't blame him; he didn't seem like the kind of person equipped to dealing with people like Kim.

Then again, _no one_ was really equipped with dealing with Kim. Not even _Jackie_, most of the time.

"Am I going to have to contact with Witch's Council?" he asked with a sigh. "I'm sure that they could find a replacement…"

"NO!" Kim almost lunged forward to grab the Hat, eyes wide with what seemed like…panic? Jackie frowned, jumping out of Kim's grip – just as her Meister was about to drop her, actually – and transforming back into her human form.

Kim wasn't a fan of the Witch's Council – not after the whole near-execution thing – and had gone out of her way to _avoid_ them wherever possible. Yes, the DWMA had started to patch things up with them; still, almost being sentenced to death kind of left a mark.

Kim was willing to go to Hogwarts at the insistence of the DWMA – albeit grudgingly.

She was _not_ prepared to face the Witch's Council; not anytime soon, anyway.

With a scowl that promise death to Dumbledore should these next few seconds deviate in _any way_ from what he had told her, Kim jammed the Hat onto her pink hair and braced herself. Jackie stood in front of her, hand clasped within Kim's, waiting for the instant to shift into a Weapon and incinerate the thing.

_Well, well, well…_A voice – was that a _British_ accent? – echoed around her head. _How very – _interesting_._

"Sort me or die," Kim said, not moving her eyes away from Jackie's.

_You are very violent_, the Hat mused, _and don't have much sympathy for anyone. Least of all yourself_.

"Of course not," Kim scoffed. "Now _get on with it_!"

_Now, now – no need to be touchy. I'll just…_Kim could feel it begin to flip through her memories.

"HOLD UP!" she slammed her magic down on her mind, forcing the Hat out. At the same time, Jackie yanked the Hat off her Meister's head and threw it across the room, eyes blazing with real fire in a partial-transformation.

"What is it?" Dumbledore hurried over to the Hat and picked it up carefully, dusting if off.

"Slytherin," the Hat coughed out. "Certainly Slytherin. Without a doubt. Her mind it too analytical – too ambitious – too _greedy_ for any other House,"

Dumbledore gave her a steady, considering look.

"You broke away from our deal," Kim said. "You said that it wasn't invasive. That it was just a quick skim to test my personality. You _went through my memories_." Real rage twisted on her face. "I have _important information_. My loyalty is not to you, or to this school – it's to Jackie and the DWMA. Put me in a position that could compromise them, and I will be forced to kill you."

It wasn't a threat, Dumbledore saw, it was a promise.

"I still don't get why we're going to be Sorted, anyway."

Dumbledore and Kim looked over to Jackie, whose eyes were still blazing.

"Um…there's nothing flammable in here, is there?" Kim glanced around; taking note that there was not a fire extinguisher or sprinkler in sight.

Cool. The house was going to burn down. Just what they needed.

"I don't understand your question, Miss Dupre," Dumbledore said.

"Well…we're going to be in Gryffindor anyway, aren't we?"

"Why?" Kim demanded.

"Well…we're going to _have_ to be in the same House as Harry, right? Otherwise how are we going to protect him?"

Kim stared at her. Dumbledore stared at her.

Jackie paused. Perhaps they _hadn't_ thought of that.

She winced as Kim's shout echoed through their ears:

"WHY DIDN'T YOU MENTION THAT BEFORE?!"

…

* A reference to my Sorting Hat series! :) Go check it out and review to your heart's content (on that note: I'm almost finished for the final chapter for 'Woes'. I know, I know, what I've written so far is small and sucky…I'm just trying to figure out a few things). I'd prefer to focus on 'This Isn't Going To End Well' (at the moment, it's my favourite).

**Author's Note**: okay, so I know that this might be a _bit_ disappointing. It's basically just a drabble about what would Kim's reaction be to the Sorting Hat. If I feel like it, maybe I'll do a Soul Eater oneshot as part of my 'Sorting Hat' series. We'll see!

Oh! Jackie would have been in Hufflepuff: I mean, she left the DWMA for Arachnophobia for Kim. You really can't get much more loyal than that.

Still, I'd love to hear anyone's view on where the SE cast should go! (Maybe I'll do one for SE Not!, too… but first I'll have to get further into 'This Isn't').

Please review!


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Harry Potter, nor Soul Eater.

There's not much of the HP cast (read: none at all). This is more for Kim x Jackie week, which I completely forgot about until a few hours ago, so here you have it! It's basically a part I glossed over in my 'This Isn't' story, where they go out to fight a pre-kishin on their first night of school.

Enjoy :)

…

Jackie grinned slightly from her Weapon form, Kim's hands clenched tightly around her. Her Meister was grinning, too – a bloodthirsty sort of grin that made Jackie's spine shiver with anticipation.

"There's been a pre-kishin sighting in this place called Hogsmead," Kim breathed as they walked down the road. Both had nixed the idea of flying there; the flames would be too conspicuous against the backdrop of the night. "A few murders in neighbouring towns, but nothing specifically overtly threatening."

Kim was more animated than she had been for weeks, ever since she had gotten the assignment to go to Hogwarts. The Witch had been less than enthusiastic about leaving the country for a dead-end job when they could have been doing so much more good elsewhere, but Kid had been caught between politics and prophecies, and in the end Kim really hadn't had much of a choice in the matter. Jackie had gone along with it because Jackie went along with everything that Kim did; that part was a non-negotiable.

So Jackie hummed contentedly as they moved forward, lighting up the dark of the night with her flames that were just bright enough to see a few paces into the front. They were close to the town, now.

Kim had been using her very sensitive, magically-induced night vision up until a few minutes ago.

"Why hasn't this been dealt with before?" Jackie asked, pitching her voice slightly louder than necessary. Technically, she shouldn't be transformed for this ploy to work; still, though, they were both too wired to go into this any other way. Kim was stressed as hell from everything that was happening, and Jackie was itching to take down a pre-kishin after the last letter she had gotten from her family.

_Dear Jackie…_

No! No thinking about it!

"Because we don't usually deploy staff here," Kim said, and Jackie took the moment to muse how odd it was that students could be called 'staff' and still be students. Still, 'staff' implied authority, which DWMA students (EAT students, anyway) certainly had; it was a term that was generally used out of glass. "This place hasn't been bothered with a pre-kishin for years."

"Maybe we haven't been looking hard enough," Jackie mused.

"No, it's not that – we _have_ to destroy each and every one, or they could become the next Asura" – both shuddered – "You know that, Jackie. But honest-to-Death, this place has never been a problem area. We weren't too sure about it for a while – there's this whole file that Stein wrote about how this place has been _suspiciously_ quite. I think that magic was a stabilizing balance, actually. They've all seemed to have lost most of their common sense, but even that Voldemort guy didn't turn into a kishin, though he probably should have."

"You're saying that magic made these people _immune_ to becoming kishin?" Jackie asked, momentarily distracted from what she was supposed to be doing. "That's – that's crazy!"

"Is it?" Kim countered, grinning smugly. "It makes sense. We've never had any reports from these areas."

"Until now," Jackie pointed out. "That punches a few rather large holes in your theory."

"Nah-ah," Kim's smirk grew. "What makes you think that, partner-mine? We only started getting some distressing reports of pre-kishin from this area about…hmm, what was it again?"

"You're milking this for all it's worth," Jackie grumbled, eyes sharpening as something next to them rustled.

Kim's grip tightened. "Two years ago," she said casually, skipping nimbly over a fallen tree branch.

"The rise of the black moon," Jackie said. "The madness wavelengths that Asura broadcasted all over the world."

"You're so _smart_, Jackie!" Kim grinned and brought Jackie's Weapon form close to her face, giving her a light peck on the side (light, because even when not in battle Jackie was still warmer than your average heat-pack), before expertly turning her towards the forest.

Jackie grinned, releasing a spurt of flames that seared through the foliage and hit against something that gave an almighty scream.

"Found him!" Kim shouted gleefully, sprinting forward, Jackie still pushing out flames. The pre-kishin was hideous, with wickedly curved talons and fang-like teeth. It had turned completely bald, and snarled at them as it tried desperately to scrabble away, flesh boiling.

It was a complete amateur.

"Awh," Kim sighed in disappointment as she casually batted a ball of fire at it, watching with almost detached interest as it jumped high into the air, clinging to the bark of the trees as it propelled itself forward. "I was hoping for something challenging."

"You're letting it get away," Jackie pointed out.

"I suppose so," Kim agreed, sounding gloomy. "Alright, I guess we're flying, now."

They followed the thing with remarkable ease, almost overtaking it a few times. Jackie, though, sensing her Meister's need to make the chase longer than strictly necessary, paced herself gently. She could feel Kim's disappointment through the Soul Resonance, a bitter thing that made Jackie want to go and find some _real_ entertainment, if only to stop Kim from feeling that way.

Still, there was nothing they could do but hunt this one down.

So they flew, almost pace-to-pace with the creature, Kim throwing out spells at it when she was bored.

Dawn began to show.

"I'm getting tired, Kim," Jackie said, trying to stop her lethargy from showing. This was an exercise in endurance, she told herself firmly, no need to let her Meister know how flabby she had gotten…

Kim's eyes widened, and she lost some of that glazed-look that had started to scare her Weapon.

"Oh, Death!" she said, looking around and realizing how light it was. "Why didn't you _say_ something?" she demanded, upset. "Alright, alright, we'll finish it off – and then _you_ are going to sleep for the rest of the day!"

"That sounds nice," Jackie agreed, mentally steeling herself.

Kim took her higher, until they were above the pre-kishin. It was sagging and panting, looking almost as tired as Jackie felt. Under different circumstances (perhaps when the creature in front of her hadn't been a murderer, or a monster, or both) Jackie would have felt sympathy for the pathetic creature.

_Dear Jackie…_

Yeah, no.

"CHARGE PIXIE!" Kim roared, and they completely incinerated the thing (along with a few tallish looking trees and maybe a small herd of antelope – at least, they _looked_ like antelope, only they were blue, and _wow_ Jackie was _really tired_).

She took them down steeply, trying not to think about unpleasant things, like crashing. They landed abruptly, with Kim hopping off and Jackie transforming back just as quickly, because any longer in Weapon form and she would have fallen asleep.

"That was boring," Jackie complained, eyes falling closed.

"I know," Kim agreed, slinging one arm under Jackie's shoulders and hauling her up. They both tilted sideways in a vaguely alarming manner, before Kim managed to mutter a few quick spells and they were both suddenly righted. "Right, okay, Jack, you're going to have to help me a bit, here."

"'kay," Jackie yawned, forcing her cement-like legs to stumble forward through the ash and back towards the path. "'m tired, Kim."

"I know, I know – you should have said something earlier," Kim sounded both annoyed and affectionate. "You owe me chocolate."

"'o fair!" Jackie whined. "'m always givin' you chocolate!"

"That's because I'm always right," Kim said in a 'duh' voice.

Jackie tried not to fall asleep. Okay, _wow_, she really was out of shape. She needed to start training long-distance again, because this was just _embarrassing_.

"Got a letter," Jackie said, trying not to collapse into a doze. "From grandma."

Kim shifted subtly under Jackie, her muscles tensing and clenching. When she spoke, her voice was curiously controlled. "Yeah?"

"Wants 'e to come home," Jackie admitted, vaguely horrified with herself. She hadn't meant to mention the letter to _anyone_, least of all her Meister. Kim and her grandmother…didn't get a long.

To put it mildly.

"Found a husband."

Death, had she said that out loud?

She looked at Kim's face.

Dammit, she had!

"_What_?" Kim hissed, looking more than a little murderous. "I will _kill_ him! I will _burn him to ash_! I will scoop out his brains and _use his skull as a wine goblet, dammit!_ Who is he, Jackie, so I can go _castrate_ him!"

"Er…" Jackie tried to think of something to say in response to _that_. "_Potential_ husband," she offered weakly. "_Maybe_ husband. Pedigree and stuff. Grandma likes him."

"I hope you told that _bat_ to stick that – that –"

"'old 'er I wouldn't," Jackie was quick to assure her. "Work for DWMA, now. Don't need a – a husband. 've got you."

That came out differently than it had in her head.

Just as Jackie was about to panic (because _she hadn't meant to say that, dammit_!) she saw Kim's face split into a smug, cruel smile that made Jackie wonder just what she had gotten into.

Not that it mattered. She had known what she wanted for years.

"_Good_," Kim said fiercely, dragging her around and pressing a rough kiss to her cheek. "Because you're _mine_, Jackie, and I don't like sharing."

"'kay," Jackie gave her a sleepy smile.

It took them the better part of an hour to finally get back to the castle, and Jackie fell asleep on the stairs as Kim tried to find another way of getting in without flying up to their window. They both skipped their classes to go sleep.

_(Dear Grandma: I'm in love with Kim Diehl._

_Deal with it)._

…

…

…

Ta-da! Hooray for Kim x Jackie week! I hope this didn't seem too rushed! Wrote this at 12, after I'd finished my ancient homework (badly, I might add). Prompt is 'Flame', though I don't think that really came through. If I wrote more, I won't be able to publish it until next week, Friday at the earliest. Depends on my schedule. Sorry :)

MM


End file.
